What To Do At Traffic Signal

Every body stops at traffic signal( at least once in lifetime) so here are few things to do when next time u stop at traffic signal

1) If you see Police man at corner....shout loudly!! "HEY DUDE!!! WAZZUP!!!! Nice
Shirt"
If itz lady police... shout show ur hand... n say Hey Babes!! looking so cool....

2) Switch off engine and do voice by mouth..VROOM!!!!!.......VROOM!!!!!!!!!!

3) Bargain with the boy selling water bags

4) Whistle at the hot model on hoardings

5) When a beggar comes to beg....remove your helmet and beg of him instead

6) Search for the sun and sing....."DHOOP NIKALTI HAI JAHAN SE"

7) Break traffic signal...and if police catches u say u r color blind

8) Try calling the cow or any stray animals and divert to the vehicle behind

9) Ask Traffic police to pose for a photo

10) Give the Traffic police tips on how to control traffic

11) Start giving dostana/Gay look to Police...

12) Apolice men his weight and salary and west size

13) Ask ur neighbour to exchange his car wit ur bike!!!!!!!

14) Ask for d change of 1000rs note to 10 th person to u !!!!!!!

What If U R Cought Giving Proxy Attendence

1) Sir/Mam I am just practicing for my attendance.

2) Tell him that you are his Representative

3) Sir, After giving attendance he ran away....u hvn't seen

4) Sir, i was just checking wthr u can catch me r not...u r James Bond Sir

5) Start like mein kaha hoon...........say u r getting chakkar n fall down..

6) Sir, I forgot my roll number...what is it?

7) Bang D bench and go out of class (never ever think of returning back to his class
again)

8) It was assignment given to you by Principal n Founder authority to check
ALERTNESS of Professor...n Congratulate him for doing job..

9) Bribe him and say meri aur mere dosto ki attendence har lecture mai lagana..

10) If he doesnt accept ur bribe yell loudly and say ki ye mujhse Rishwat maang raha
hai..and say dat u will complaint dis matter to the Principle..

11) Sir..aapki umar ho gayi hain.....kisne kuch nahi bola..aur aapko aawajen sunayi
de rahi hain...

12) GO WILD LIKE NANA PATEKAR!!!!!!!!

HEY!!!! YEH USKA ROLE NUMBER ..YEH MERA NUMBER....BOL KAUN YAHA HAIN..AUR KAUN
BAHAR..KAUN HINDU OR KAUN MUSLIM!!!

TU TOH BACCHO MEIN FOOT PAD RAHA HAIN!!! HAR EK KO ALAG NUMBER DE KE!!!!!!

Hold your Head n act like Nana Patekar again.....

13) Give him THE FEROCIOUS GHAJINI LOOK

14) Tell him in a broken english

"I LEARNING 2 SAY PREGENT"

15) Sir, he came yesterday and forgot to give his presenty so just clearing his
pending attendance

16) Pretend 2 write some important points he wil be impressed!!!!!!!!!!!!

17) Give him 'Jaadu ki Jhappi'...

18) Offer him that u wil introduce a new hawt GIRL..........

19) Blame it on recession.Tell him ur grup has decided that one person will attend a
day to save transport cost.

20) "main bhatak gaya tha.....ab meri ankhen khul gayi hai...mujhe maaf kar dijiye
plesssss"

What to do in a Public Restroom

1) Start shouting : I did it .. Yes! I did it! I am the best!

2) When u see someone rushing in, go occupy the loo and dont come out until d person
losses it in his/her pants

3) Put itching powder on the toilet seats..

4) Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

5) Ask for some Change!

6) Take out the "men at work" board from an under construction site and place it
outside the restroom.

7) While shitting, make a corporate call and say " i'm in a meeting.. i tried hard
to push it, but finally dropped the matter"

8) Tell them this is the first time you have been in a toilet in your life !

9) Suddenly start running here and there shouting bomb. bomb.. but this can also
land u in jail

10) Wet your pants wid water and walk proudly in and out

11)Say "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!dat felt gooooooooooooood!!"

What To Do The Night Before Exams

1) Get the time-table......

2) Drink beer .. I have heard it improves concentration!

3) Watch the best porno film available with you.. A little relaxation never hurt anyone!

4) Make chits..!

5) Go 2 da toilet a thousand tyms(moms gonna think u have loose motion so no test da nxt day

6) Motivate ur friend to study more

7) Call ur teacher at 2:00 am and ask them to teach u

8) Keep listening the song "everythings gonna be alright".....

9) Talk 2 ur gf... it'l help if the xm is of a language paper

10) Call your ex n say how much u miss them...padhai to hone nahi wali..time pass to ho jayega !!!

11) Call up as many ppl as possible n say tht the time table has changd...maza ayega

12) Find ur books and remove dust from them and place them back in the cupboard

What If Santa Was A Girl

We all have a pleasant and a decent image of our very own Santa Claus! He is Big, with a little grown tummy,wild white beard and a sweet smile rolling with the tone HO-O-HO ;)

Now, its time Rotate the clock this X'mas ;)

Imagine SANTA as SANTANA or SANTANIA OR SANTANEE or anything; a wicked Sexy girl short skirts, charming smile and that X'mas Hat on top....... wohoooooo Fascinated na! ;)

So here are few things that would have happened

1) The gifts would never reach the kids on time...

2) All gifts wud be wrapped in pink paper

3) Most of the x-mas gifts wud be cosmetics and jewelery

4) The North Pole would have a giant thermostat...

5) The reindeers would have to smell just right to get her to do anything!..

6) All the reindeer will have matching accessories with their noses

7) Instead of reindeer, there would be 6 cats

7) Santa will emotionally blackmail all the airport authorities to let her have the nighr sky 2 herself to fly around in her sleigh!!

8) Santa wil certainly not eat the x-mas cookies and cakes...they are soooo fatty

9) She certainly would NOT COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY!

10) Santa would always be late.. girls take too much time to dress up.. xmas would be on 26th dec..

11) She wud recieve love letters instead of wishlishts:P

12) Men would wait for her more than the childrens

13) Boys ll be more eager for x mas n dey ll decorate their house like never b4 so she can come

14) Santa will hav 2 face eve teasing

15) The elves will work more efficiently

How To Finish Your Exam Paper In Time

1) Drink a lot of water before entering exam hall....This will prompt you to go to the loo and you will complete your paper fast

2) Give time to your GF 10 mins before the paper ends

3) Start writing from the last question.This way you can atleast say "I have finished my last question"

4) Btw finishing exam paper also means reading the exam paper completely

5) Keep your mobile in vibrating mode and hide it in your underwear.....Ask your friend to call you.This will surely help you in finishing paper in time^_^

6) Steal others supplementary and attach it to yours. Certainly will save time

7) Ask your supervisors to remove all the hot chicks from the examination hall....May not work if your supervisor falls into the same category.

8) Become a drug addict and make it a habit 2 take ur drug every 2 and half hrs

9) Go 2 da xam hall early and persuade/seduce yur invigilator 2 let u start da xam lilttle early (lyk 3 days earl

10) Act busy through out the xam and 5 min b4 da xam ends start shouting OMG who stole all my suppliments,may be the invigilator will help and give u extra time

11) Give ur answer sheet 2 da bst boi in class aur bol "abe chikne zyaada shine mat mar sidda likh dall nai toh bol idharich tapkane ka ya fir toilet chale'

12) Dont stare any cute chick in d room.... just gonna waste hell lot of time

13) After u check ur question paper...... shout loud

"DAMN... i knew i dont know anything"

examiner wont b bothered to collect ur answerbook after exam is over... it wil give u extra minutes

14) Submit the question paper instead of the answer script

15) Get d ppr leaked, xam cancelled or atleast u know all answers

16) Laugh like a mad guy...teacher will make u sit in a corner n wont give much attention to u

Cool T-Shirt Quotes

DO u beleive in love at first sight or
should i drive past u again?

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

This was written on the back of a biker's T:
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BITCH FELL OFF!

God is real, unless U declare him an integer

"I am always right, Never wrong.
I thought i was wrong once, but I was wrong!!"

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

marry had a little lamb...it was delicious

Surprise me!...say something smart

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

umm..now look at that..
sorry! no, i wasnt talking about ur face.

why r u looking at me ..huh ?
...i am not ur Dad

Smile is the second best thing which You can do with Ur lIps

God made MUD, God made Dirt
God made Galz, So guyz can FLirt

Most ppl are only alive bcuz its illegal to shoot them.. and u r one of those lucky assholes.

virginity is not dignity
it is lack of OPPURTUNITY

Watz that uglyy thinggg on ur shoulderzz???
ohh ! sori, itz ur face ;)

I'm a lesbian trapped in this man's body

WHY LOOKING AT ME COME HUG ME

I hate jokes but still I love You

who says nothing is impossible? i;ve been doin nothing for years..

If I told u tht u had a nice body, will u hold it against me!!

Taj Mahal
The greatest erection by man for his love.

"I am 6, wanna be 9?"

In case of fire use the hose below

Ask ur boobs to stop staring at my eyes!!

Love ur neighbour..just don't get caught

You loved me and changed the history of my life.
Let me love you and change the geograpgy of your life.

Marriages defeat Mathematics..How else can u explain 1+1=3..???

Come behind the pyramid & I will make u a mummy

Dont drink water.... fishes fuck in it

Early to bed & early to rise
makes a man healthy, wealthy & wise
& makes his wife sleep with other guys

If ur father is poor---ur fate but if ur father in law is poor then it's ur foolishness

Create desktop icon for restart and shutdown

Do the following:


1. Right click on your desktop


2. Then in NEW click on SHORTCUT


3. A shortcut wizard will appear


4. Type this in the box:


shutdown -s -t 00


5. Your done now right click on the folder>properties>Change Icon


And then choose any appropriate icon


For restart instead of -s type –r

Break password in xp

In case of user password boot the pc in safemode by pressing the F8 key and then selecting the Safe Mode option. You can now logon as an administrator and XP wont prompt for the password. Incase of an administrator account try rebooting the pc in DOS. access C:\Windows\system32\config\sam . Rename SAM as SAM.mj

Now XP wont ask for password next time You Login. Also

Go to the cmd prompt .
Type net user *.
It will list all the users.
Again type net user "administrator" or the name of the administrator "name" *.
e.g.: net user aaaaaa *(where aaaaaa is the name).
It will ask for the password.
Type the password and there you are done.
Logging In As Administrator:
Hold the Ctrl-Alt key and press Del twice. This will bring up the normal login and you can log on as Administrator.

Get Free Genuine Windows XP Key From CD itself

Just follow following steps to get ur free windows key

Being computer science engineer once i was wondering how does windows check it wether our key is orignal or not there should be some source to do that

and viola i found the answer just do these things

1) Open the drive where u hav installed windows

2) Open windows folder

3) Look for I386 folder

4) Look for a file called UNATTEND.TXT

5) Open the file and scroll down to the last line and here u have a product code

or if u want the key Before Instalation

Just explore the CD then open the folder I386 then open the file UNATTEND.TXT and scroll down to the last line, here You have a product code.

Have fun!!!
Now you'll never need to search for a product code for XP again...!!!!

What to do if You meet Himesh Reshamiya

1) Try selling him a cap. No, really!
2) Greet him by saying "Hellooooooooooooooooooo"
3) Talk to him casually for sometime and then while going, say, "Sorry, I didn't
catch your name..."
4) Ask him for his wig as a souvenir
5) Say "Maine teri film dekhi thi ab uska karzzz chuka" and see his reaction
6) Hold your nose and walk away :P
7) Ask him when he's expecting his grandchild
8) Hold out a book and pen. Just when he's about to sign, say it's for a petition to
stop crappy music from harming people's peace
9) Tap him on his shoulder and say, "You know you look a lot like someone who should
stop singing and acting"
10)Sing "Lut Jaon, Lut Jaon" in Korean to show off your linguistic skills

Books That You Should Never Read

1) How to put expressions on face by John Abrahim
2) Dressing up for a party made easier by Vidya Balan
3) Be a Leader- Follow ursself by manmohan singh
4) How to be Diplomatic by Rakhi Sawant
5) Speaking Hindi made Easy by Sonia Gandhi and Katrina Kaif
6) Respect Woman by Shakti Kapoor
7) Secret to long lasting relationships by Saif Ali Khan
8) War against Terror by osama bin laden
9) Speak Politely by raghu
10)Speak clear and audible by Mahesh bhatt
11)I am one man women by Deepika padukone
12)1000 sur by anu malik

i think this post will be much apreciated by indians as they know these guyz

What To Do When U Don't Hv Valentine

1) Go and join Shiv Sena/Ram Sena and oppose this valentine.
2) Search those people who also don’t have valentine and have Party. Cheers!
3) Be online all day and make some Lame Jokes.
4) Go to nearby Park and ENJOY THE SCENES
5) If you are a employee. Do OVERTIME that day.
6) Watch some PORN instead. You will not feel alone
7) Go to the Mountain Sit on the Rocks. Open your Shoes. And Smell your Socks
8) Register on adult friend finder. You will surely get your valentine
9) Admit in hospital and den flirt with d sexy nurse. =))
10) Act in front of an girl that ur Valentine left u coz u r poor. Then she will feel pity on u
11) Give a party to all of your Friend that day
12) Try to get your love partner with the help of Love Guru
13)Go and learn some BHAJAN instead. Coz ur useless. As you cant have a Valentine
14) tell your friends "teacher ne ni sikhaya, share kiya karo "
15) Sell Flowers that day. specially Rose.This will benifit in you two ways.
1st You will now really can give Flowers to Girl/Boy
2nd You can earn something instead of losing
16) Celebrate Happy Independence Day
Have More Ideas Do Comment

Share Internet B/W Two PCs Or Set up an ad-hoc network

An ad hoc network is a temporary connection between computers and devices used for a specific purpose, such as sharing documents during a meeting or playing multiple-player computer games. You can also temporarily share an Internet connection with other people on your ad hoc network, so those people don’t have to set up their own Internet connections. Ad hoc networks can only be wireless, so you must have a wireless network adapter installed in your computer to set up or join an ad hoc network.


1. Click start

2. Clicking Connect to...a Woindow will open before you showing list of available networks

3. Click Set up a connection or network.

4. Click Set up a wireless ad hoc (computer-to-computer) network, click Next

5. In Network name field Write the network name of ur choice

6. In security type field select no authentication if u do not wish to provide password but if u wish to provide password select wep and write the password in password field

7. select save this network if u wish to use it later also

8. click next

Now u have created an adhoc network to connect both pcs



On PC2(You can connect any no. of pcs just the speed will be effected)

for all windows version before vista

1. Click start=> connect to=>show all connections (For all versions before vista)

2. Select the wirless network icon

3. right click on it and select properties

4. in properties select tcp/ip and selectautomatic discovery of address

5. Now click connect to and select the network u just created

for windows vista

1. click start=> connect to and connect to the network u just created

2. click start=> control pannel=>network and sharing center

3. Click on the status of wlan

4. a window will open before you now click properties

5. click continue select ipv4/tcpconnect both pcs

6. now select obtain ip address automatically

7. click ok

Congratulations: you have been connected to internet enjoy sharing


Notes

=>If one or more of the networked computers is joined to a domain, you need to have a user account on that computer to see and access shared items on it.

=>If the networked computers are not joined to a domain, but you want to require people to have a user account on your computer for access to shared items, turn on password protected sharing in Network and Sharing Center.


=>An ad hoc network is automatically deleted after all users disconnect from the network or when the person who set up the network disconnects and goes out of range of the other users of the network, unless you choose to make it a permanent network when you create it.

If you share your Internet connection, Internet connection sharing (ICS) will be disabled if you disconnect from the ad hoc network, you create a new ad hoc network without disconnecting from the old ad hoc network for which you enabled ICS, or you log off and then log back on (without disconnecting from the ad hoc network).
If you set up an ad hoc network and share your Internet connection, and then someone logs on to the same computer by using Fast User Switching, the Internet connection will still be shared, even if you didn't intend to share it with that person.

How To Get Rid Of Ur Valentine

1. Steal his/her wallet

2. Start digging your nose(tried n trusted)

3. Go to a public place for a date...and start calling ur valentine cheesy names like poochie

4. Tell your valentine that u will be giving her a ring....and give her a DVD of the movie "ring"

5. Behave like a vampire

6. Give her a BLACK ROSE

7. Tell her today i forgot my money and u have to pay ,just start ordering food with much of cost

8. Gift her the cds of himesh

9. During your date...talk to her about how sexy your nose hair are

10. Tell her about u r special ability i can fart and sing at the same time

11. Gift her a Perfume with note: U STINKS

12. Burp a 100 times while dining with her

13. Say that u mistook valentine's day for RAKSHABANDHAN

14. Just say.....I love you neha....uh SRY...pooja...uh no...Sanya

What If You Run Out Of Crackers

1.It’s cool to be against noise and air pollution

2.Tell everyone you donated your crackers to street children

3.Make an irritating smug expression and say, “I’m saving mine so I can burst them when all of you are done with yours!”

4.Have a pet? Say it’s scared of firecrackers

5.Or say it peed on your crackers!

6.Download the sound of bursting crackers off the net and play at full volume

7.Carry a packet full of empty cracker boxes, go to your neighbour's house, swap it at the first instance and kalti mar

8.Get sympathy by saying your dog peed on your crackers

9.Pretend that you’re just taking care of your granny who’s sensitive to noise

10.Tell your friends you've told your uncle to get crackers from abroad, so it'll take a while

11.Pretend you don't know how to burst firecrackers. Take lessons from 20 different people

12.Pretend to teach little kids how to burst crackers safely

13.Say “The custom officers took them all when I was returning from Singapore”

How To Get More Money From Relatives

1. Tell your aunt or uncle "You're the most generous person I know." They'll be forced to live up to it ;)

2. Touch their feet a 100 times and ask for aashirvad each time. They'll have to give you some money each time :D

3. Make a bet with your Uncle that your crackers will burst before his for 500 bucks. Dip his cracker in water beforehand ;)

4. Explain how auspicious a day it is, and that if they give you money this Diwali, it'll come back to them 10 folds next year

5. Tell them you're collecting cash so that you can distribute free sweets and crackers to street kids

6. Tell them "Don't take the trouble to give me anything, The other aunty already gave me 1000 bucks" Their competitive spirit will force them to give you more than that

7. When your relatives come to visit, wear very old clothes. "Beta, where are your new clothes?" Say you don't have any and they'll give you money

8. Say "Don't give me any gifts this time uncle. Give it to me in cash instead so that I learn to save"

9. When your relatives are staying at your place approach your uncle or aunt on a lazy afternoon and say, "I need 500 bucks and mom and dad are sleeping"
They obviously won't ask your parents back for the money. Even if they do, you still have the money :D

10. Organise a intra-family Rangoli competition. Be the only participant and win the money! :)

What To Do When You're Hungry In the Middle of the Night & There's Nothing To Eat

1. Try chewing a pencil. If you don't have one, steal them from your younger sibling's bag!

2. Dig into all your jeans pockets and bags. You'll find at least a bit of chocolate to eat

4. Eat your pet's food. It's not poisonous you know!

5. Thirst is sometimes disguised as hunger. Drink gallons of water!

6. If you have a friend working in a call center, ask them to get you something from the canteen before starting home

7. Catch some cockroaches, wash, fry and eat!

8. Go veggie - eat the plants which you water daily!

9. Watch religious channels - you'll forget your hunger and will go back to sleep instantly. Now, that's nirvana!

10. Think of all your best lunches and dinners. The memory might just make you feel full :P

11. Go to your neighbour and beg

12. Think how it would be to date Preeti Jhangiani. You would lose your appetite in no time!

How To Be Annoying While Online

While chatting, buzz the other person every 30 seconds and ask "Wassup"

1. tYpE iN aN iRriTatIng c0mBiNaTioN of l0wEr aNd uPpEr cAsE

2. Send 10 forwards a day to all your friends, especially the ones that have to be passed on

3. Keep becoming invisible and visible on messenger

4. Go offline when you're chatting every 30 seconds and say you got DC

5. Write in Multicolour, Italics or Bold font or even better… do it all together

6. Keep changing your IM avatar and ask "How is it?"

7. Type the wrong smiley, say "oops, wrong window" and type another wrong smiley
Keep correcting the other person's spellings

8. Send forwards with long mailing lists and nothing at the end of it

9. Reply with just 'Ok' and 'Hmm' all the time

10. Start every line with words like 'kewl' and end it with LOLZZZZ ROTFLMFAO

11. WRITE IN CAPS LOCK!!!!

How To Get a Raise In Your Pocket Money

1. Say that you need more money because of recession

2. Mention that you don't have any friends left ‘cos you've borrowed from all of them

3. Tell them your friends got this much allowance when they were 10

4. Say you're not learning to save because you never have any money left

5. Say you need more money as all your notes have to be photocopied

6. If they refuse, go emotional. Say things like "I thought you cared for me!"

7. Promise not to ask for an increase for the next 5 years. Say that every time you borrow more money from them!

8. Say you'll repay everything once you start earning

9. Promise to pass all your exams if they increase your allowance

10. Say that if you have more money, you'll make quality purchases and save in the long run

11. At home be seen writing with chalk and slate
When they ask say you have no money to buy pens 'cos of inflation

12. Fail in your exams once. Then ask for money to join tuition classes

13. Come home wearing a circus clown costume
When parents ask, say "Oh, this is just from the part-time job I am doing to support myself"

14. Say you want to learn about investments and savings. For that you need to have money to begin with

15. Start singing, "Oh mere Papa the great!"

16. Have friends call home asking for their money to be returned

What To Do When Someone Asks You The Time

1. Start singing "It's the time to disco...na na na na na"

2. Tell him to hang on and start making a sundial on the ground

3. Ask him to specify the exact latitude, longitude of the time zone

4. Irritate him by showing off various features of your watch Tell him everything except the time

5. Start rolling off random dialogues from Waqt- A Race against Time. No one remembers the movie!

6. Tell time through complex mathematical calculations
"If you add 23 hours to 3'o clock, and subtract 2 hours from that..."

7. Make him guess it by naming TV shows that would be playing at that particular time

8. Go Nana Patekar on him
Abruptly explode into, "Tu mere ko time poochega! Kya Re? Mere ko? Haan?"

9. Try explaining the time in Braille. It may take a while to do that!

10. Convert and tell the time in seconds. "345 seconds past 4'o clock"

How To Know You Are In trouble In a restaurant

1. The menu card has a separate page for stomach medicines

2. Since the time you placed your order the hotel staff has changed thrice

3. The waiter wishes you "Good Luck" when serving your dish

4. There are more digits in your bill amount than in your mobile number

5. They are charging tax on every single French fry

6. The waiter says "SANDwich to aapko beach mein milega" and laughs

7. When you placed the order you were like Aamir in Ghajini
By the time the food has come you are like Aamir in Mangal Pandey

8. The waiter starts humming a song from Roadside Romeo while serving you

9. The rates are so high the restaurant is allowing you to pay in EMIs

10. When Vatsal Seth occupies the seat next to you
And starts forcing you to try and recognize him

The 'Other' Moon Mission That Should Be Planned

After the moon mission, what other moon missions should be planned!

1. Open another fast-food joint just in case astronauts get hungry and miss home food
We can also charge them astronomical prices :)

2. Look for a place to start a wax museum where we can make statues with ear wax

3. We should build a house so that Bigg Boss 35 can happen on the moon. Those who get eliminated will be left in orbit

4. Start an anti-gravity Olympics where the games are the same, but the bounce is better. Do you understand the gravity of this idea?

5. Set up a planetarium and show people earth from so far away so that they can get a better look at themselves

6. Build a dance floor so that everyone can moonwalk like MJ
Btw, no kids allowed on that floor

7. Set up a film studio on the moon so that action sequences can be done without wires

8. Do a season of Roadies on the moon without getting confused between Raghu's bald pate and the moon

9. Have a special Karva Chauth party where women can be at the moon instead of just looking at it

10. Build a township there. To govern it set up a 'Moon'icipality

11. Set up a weight loss centre. In the moon you only weigh 1/6th of your weight

How To Show Off Your New Phone

1. Time a reminder and let it go off loudly in front of your friends

2. Take it around and ask everyone if they have a charger that will fit your new phone as you forgot to get yours

3. Show your friends an advertisement of a cool phone. Then slap your forehead and say, "Oh my new phone is the same model!"

4. Keep your phone on silent and pretend to be on call every two minutes

5. Whenever someone calls you, tell them to lower their voice as your new phone amplifies the volume

6. When someone's phone rings in a lecture, stand up and claim it to be yours
Show it around saying you're sorry, you don't know how to put it off

7. Take pictures of everyone - even the security guy with your phone and say you're checking the camera since it's new

8. Carry your phone in your hand - don't keep it in the pocket

9. Ask everyone for help in using the mp3 player on your new phone, saying that it's too high-tech for you to understand

10. Put up a board on your neighbour's house saying "Mere padosi ne naya phone liya hai"

11. Ask them where do you get cheapest phones in the city and then say, "Oh I got this one from my brother in the US"

12. Stop wearing your watch and check out the time on your phone every five minutes

13. Show your friends your collection of funny msgs. Eventually they may notice your new phone too

14. Use your phone for every calculation, even 2+2

15. When someone asks you something, tell them "Wait, I'll just Google it on my new phone"

16. Ask your friends to Bluetooth you new songs. Keep asking until they notice your phone

17. Compliment someone's clothes and tell them the colour matches your new cell phone's body
Ask all your friends for their number and say all your contacts got deleted as you got a new phone
Tell everyone you lost your old phone and when they start searching say "It's ok, I got a new one"

How To Irritate Telemarketing Callers

1. Start trying to sell them their rival brand's products

2. Do filmstars and celebrity impressions while talking to them and laugh wildly
Pretend there is a cross connection and talk nonsense

3. Challenge him/her to a game of Antakshri. Say you'll buy what he's selling if they beat you

4. Say you want to verify the caller's background before talking any further

5. Start asking every single miniscule detail. End saying, "Lekin proof kya hai?"
Keep saying, "Acha ek min, hold on"
Come back pretending you are someone else and ask him to explain everything again

6. Pretend you are an employee of the same company. Start bitching about the company's products
If the telemarketer joins in, start blackmailing by saying you're recording the conversation

7. Put them on hold and play a song from Heroes

8. Go, "Huh? Oh sorry, can you repeat please?" every few seconds

What if your friend catches you stealing his phone

1. Shoot him and steal the rest of his stuff as well

2. Stop in surprise, shake your head and say, "Damn, that split personality problem again"

3. Pacify him saying he can steal your phone when you buy a new one

4. Claim you wanted to just donate it to the Air Hostesses fund

5. Say you just wanted to give Salman a missed call

6. Argue saying, "You never complained when I stole your wallet. You didn't even notice it!"

7. Claim you were just downloading a Roadside Romeo caller tune for him

8. Offer him 50% of the share which'll come from selling the phone. Start negotiating from 30%

9. Claim you just saved his life. Does he how dangerous radioactive signals from phones are?
Say your battery died. You just wanted to make a call

10. Apologize. Offer to write 'I will not steal' 50 times to pacify him

What To Do If You're Stuck In a Public Brawl?

1. Raise your arms and let loose your body odour

2. Start chanting cannibalistic slogans

3. Start playing the statue game. Statue!

4. Yell out dangerous mathematical formulae to scare people

5. Get down on the floor and yell, "My Diamond ring! My Diamong ring!"
Escape when everybody makes a dash for the rings

6. Grunt holding your stomach. Pretend you are about to puke

7. Wear those brown glares of yours. No, wait, how will that help?

8. Start beating yourself up. Escape when others are gaping in surprise

9. Call Navjot Sidhu for advice. He's had people trying to beat him up before

10. Run. Yes, RUN!

How To Save Money While Still Being Cool

1. Develop a cold. It is a more economically viable option than ice-cream

2. Avoid multiplexes by saying you have given up interest in Bollywood and Hollywood masala

3. Say you are interested in World Cinema. Watch films on pirated DVD's :)

4. Avoid spending on books of all kinds. Take a stand against wood-cutting Good excuse for not doing homework!

5. Wear out and tear your jeans yourself instead of paying cash for big brands to do it for you
OR Wear old, torn clothes. Grow a stubble. Claim you are 'anti-cool'

6. Go to your neighbours' house and say "Mera interview abhi aayega" - so u can watch free TV"

7. Admire your friends' song collection and borrow their iPods

8. Stitch together a shirt with pieces of your old shirts. Claim it's the latest street fashion!

9. Avoid cellphones. Claim you hate phones because they kill your privacy

1. Claim you are working for a Greenpeace Save Trees project and borrow your friends' unused old notebooks
Use them yourself, obviously!

Have any more ideas for saving money? Don't be a cheapo - Just Comment Here

How To Irritate Waiters at a Restaurant

1. Keep asking questions, go into painful details of each dish
Ask how many pieces of paneer will be there, what will be the size of each cube and so on

2. Point out random dishes and ask him to list out the entire receipe

3. Ask him to provide recommendation letters from previous restaurants before he serves you

4. Check his hands with a microscope, ask him to keep washing it again and again

5. When he is within earshot, narrate the story of how Akshay Kumar went from waiter to superstar

6. Look suspicious when the food comes. Ask him to taste it to prove that it is safe
When he does, refuse to eat a half eaten dish

7. Point out to an imaginary fly and complain about it

8. Before tipping ask him questions like - How much do people generally tip, How much does he expect etc

9. Bore him with fly in the soup jokes

10. Insist that you saw him in Cheeni Kum. Go on and on about it

What If You're Caught Sleeping During a Lecture

1. Claim that you were trying to tie your shoelace or pick up your pen!

2. Slap your friend for not waking you up before the class started!

3. Point to someone and say "I knew something was wrong with the toffee you gave me!"

4. Thank your teacher that she just rescued you from falling in coma

5. say that you're a volunteer for "National Sleep Awareness Week 2008" celebrated all Uganda

6. Claim that your friend applied glue to the bench and you just couldn't raise your head

7. Pinch your teacher to see if it's a dream

8. Tell your teacher you're meditating, so that you can concentrate on your studies

9. "I was observing the mating ritual of ants, Amazing, isn't it?"

10. Blame the professor right back. Claim if he stopped lecturing, you would never feel sleepy in class

11. Say you have a neck problem that doesn't allow you to raise your head. Say the oxygen supply is so much better as you go lower

How To Irritate Your Siblings

1. Hide his porn collection

2. Snigger and pretend to stifle a grin each time you see them
When they ask, say "No, no, nothing!" and grin again

3. When unguarded, change their display pic to Roadside Romeo

4. Change their callertunes to a song from Heroes

5. Make up stories about weird things they do in their sleep

6. Leak out his/her embarrassing childhood pics to his/her friends

7. Just be your usual annoying self

8. Tell them about those ants you saw today. Describe each ant

9. Create folder named 'Surprise!' on their desktop. Inside it, put a bad RGV film

10. Divert all your calls to their phone

How To Irritate A Pizza Delivery Guy

1. Ask him about the expiry date and batch no. of the pizza

2. Scare him by carrying a black voodoo doll with you when you answer the door
Poke pins in it while you receive the order

3. Pretend to interrogate him. Note down everything that he says

4. Pretend you are talking on phone and keep him waiting for a long time

5. Order the costliest pizza, pay the bill in the form of 1 Rupee coins

6. Pretend you can't see him, bang the door on his face at least 3 times

7. Bring up that colourblindness... ask him why is the entire pizza green?

8. Keep digging in your purse for money. Say "just a sec" at least for 20 minutes

9. Start a random discussion on the mileage of his bike

10. Say "Nice cap! Aap pehle Himesh ke liye kaam karte the?"

Try these tips for 30 minutes, if they don't work you'll get your pizza free!

What To Do When you Haven't Done Your Homework

1. Say you did it, but weren't creatively satisfied with it. So you threw it away

2. Print out any random, sophisticated NASA documents you can find
Give it, and say, "Damn, Wrong assignment again"

3. Say you weren't at home at all - so logically, there's no way you could do any 'home' work
It will help because the corniness might put your prof in a coma

4. Blame it on your brother, parents, dog, neighbour, etc. Say they just completely refused to do it for you

5. Say the guys from Greenpeace landed up and confiscated all your unused foolscape books

6. Claim your duties as a superhero didn't leave you with much time
Yesterday was a particularly violent night on the streets! :)

7. Claim that you bumped into Ashutosh Gowarikar who insisted on narrating the story of his next film
He still wasn't finished when you left!

8. Go "Oh! The homework...Well...umm....uhh... my head, my headddddd" Fall down on the ground
Don't repeat this more than once

9. Submit a blank page. Say it is a representation of how the education system leaves students blank

10. Talk about how the Constitution says that as a citizen of India you are not legally bound to do homework

How To Get Ahead When Stuck In a Queue

1. Look excited. If standing in front of a counter, go and stand in front of another counter
When people follow thinking this counter is opening, go back to your original queue

2. Pretend to be ill and make vomitting noises

3. Do that thing you do because of which you have no friends

4. Say really foolish things. People will think you are Rakhi Sawant and let you go ahead

5. Do the...yes, you know it, Salman Khan dance. Getting bored of it already? Life is tough, we hate the song but can we make them stop playing it?
We suffer, you suffer!

6. Say you are a Arya Babbar fan. People will think you are a freak and run away from you

7. Talk loudly about that contagious disease you have

8. Sing "Pari Hoon Main"
This won't get you ahead, but it will make waiting in the queue more entertaining

9. Throw the smoke bomb you are carrying
What? You don't carry smoke bombs with you at all times? Strange, yaar!

10. Teleport yourself right to the front

Hey, you can't say it won't work until you have tried it yourself

What To Do If Your GF Catches You Two-Timing

1. Bring up that split personality problem you have

2. Claim it was your twin brother

3. Say you were just taking lessons so your relationship could get better

4. Invent a disease which causes you to mistake identities

5. Promise that it will never happen again. Make Mother Promise
If she doesn't believe, make God Promise. Always works

6. Say you are schizophrenic

7. Point out how you are better than the Nigerian guy with 86 wives

8. Point out how this helped give her the space she always wanted

9. Show her how you have spent so much more money on her than on the other girl

10. Go back in time and be more careful( First Find Time Machine :) )

11. Claim that you're doing a case study on love triangles in Bollywood films
What would you do?

What To Do When You Are In A Lift

1. Stop looking at your reflection

2. Press the buttons of all floors you've already passed

3. Press the speaker button and sing cry for help, just randomly!

4. Challenge yourself to say the names of all Amrita Arora movies
You'll probably get stuck at Girlfriend

5. Shake the elevator from side to side

6. Use the lift walls to write a love letter to that girl you like

7. Press buttons of the numbers of your birth date; see how long it takes to reach your floor

8. Try undressing and re-dressing till your floor comes. Time this so that you can apply for a Guinness Record

9. Try to hold your breath for at least 4 floors. If you can’t, take yoga classes

10. Kiss good-bye to all the walls of the elevator, say "I’ll miss you, see you soon!"

Avoid getting caught with/watching porn

1. Keep all your porn in one folder. Rename the folder 'God Tussi Great Ho'

2. Put on a lot of weight. While watching porn stand in front of the monitor. You'll cover everything

3. Set up one of those laser alarm systems you see in films, outside your bedroom
This will warn you if anyone approaches

4. Gift your family members some strong perfume. Insist that they wear it all times, or else you'll feel hurt. Don't catch a cold

5. Create five folders called 'Porn', one inside the other. Inside all of them place a text note saying 'Haha! Got you!' Put the actual porn in the sixth folder

6. Gift your family members a pair of those childish squeaky slippers so that you when they are coming
This will also make them look silly, in case you are looking for that

7. Watch porn in infra-red that you can only see with those red glasses

8. Put something just outside your bedroom door that will make people scream
For e.g. spilt milk, broken vases, a random rat

9. Build a cubicle around your comp
People will be suspicious. But they suspect you of watching porn anyway

10. Errr....watch it while you are alone?

11. Leave some bubble wrap outside the door. The moment someone steps on it, minimise window

How To Combat The Global Recession

1. Don't spend on other entertainment like films & music.Just Read My bLOG :)

2. Get yourself into the Big Boss house. It is all free there

3. Move to Antarctica. We hear the cost of living there is quite low

4. Become an assistant in a cookery show. You won't have to spend on food for a while

5. Take up a part time job as a Ticket Collector and travel for free

6. Get a large bedsheet and paraglide your way for free to college

7. Actually don't go to college at all and save your fees

8. Offer to watch Welcome to Sajjanpur in return for money from the producers

9 Move to Zimbabwe. One rupee is worth a million Zimbabwean dollars.

10. Offer to start and be a part of the Harman Baweja Fan Club in return for money from Harman Baweja

Or from anyone else who can pay on his behalf

But you aren't the only one looking to save up. Look at what some of the others are doing

1. Suniel Shetty has replaced his Hummer with Sunny Deol's tractor

2. Sunny Deol has stopped lending tractors and is asking Suniel to return it

3. As payment for the food, restaurants are asking diners to become part-time waiters in addition to paying money

4. Public transport buses have made it compulsory for passengers to contribute 1 litre of petrol before climbing in

5. Theatres have introduced an Ek-pe-Ek rule. If you buy tickets for one film you HAVE to buy tickets for another

6. Ekta Kapoor has reduced the number of shows Balaji does from 1,00,000 to 47,890

7. She has also cut-off Tusshar's pocket money

8. Akshaye Khanna has stopped his sessions at Dr.Batra's hair clinic
He wishes he had started his treatment at the same time as Himesh

What if your mom asks you to clean your room?

1. Listen to music on ur headphones. Tell her that you're listening to an audio study guide

2. Mom still doesn’t take a hint? Start repeating what you hear

3. Mention that today is the Teenage Liberation Day in Mexico and you are supporting it

4. Scatter your CD collection on your bed, pretend to sort it

5. Dial Customer Care of your Mobile Service Provide, wait for it to ring. Then pick up the phone and start talking to no one

6. Say things like "The reversal of magnetometer current is..." once in a while

7. Tell your mom that you're doing a scientific study on the after effects of garbage accumulation

8. Apply some pain relief balm in front of your mom for no reason. Then, cough

9. "You know child labour is a legally punishable offence, don't you?"

If u have any more ideas, Do comment, now go clean your room!

Why Do People Buy Himesh's CDs?

1. So that the buyers can be one of a kind

2. Ward off potential robbers, wild animals, rabid dogs and so on

3. Irritate monks out of their peaceful state and get them violent

4. Decipher if he actually says "Harrry Om" or "Haaairy Oom", or "Harry Baweja".

5. Create mass panic and chaos by playing it aloud, Joker style

6. Use the CDs as flying discs to throw at other people and have fun

7. So they can play the appropriate background music when they are touching themselves

8. Because Himesh asked them to, and threatened to keep singing till they did

9. So they can break, burn, mutilate it and so on. Why Himesh CDs for that? Umm…why not?

10. To play it when they are low to serve as a reminder that things could have been worse
Ehh, this was a bad idea. Let us just tell you Himesh jokes instead

Q. What do you get when you cross Himesh with Batman?
A. "T-ta-na-na-na- Tandoori Knights"

Did you know Karrzzz uses a song that was originally recorded for 'Tom, Dick and Harry?'
The song goes 'Harry Om...Harry Om...Harry Om'

Is there a limit to the number of Himesh jokes that can be cracked?
Umm, we don't know, is there a limit to the number of songs he can make?

What to do to when there’s no electricity

1. Call the Electricity office; sing “Batti na bujha, mujhe lagta hai darr!” - an old Suniel Shetty song!
Btw there’s a permanent load shedding in Suniel Shetty's career

2. Do a research on Sangeeta 'Bijlani’s' life history

3. Now that you're in one, do a research on the black hole

4. Go to your neighbour's house, tell them Tickr jokes. The room will light up with everyone's smiles

5. Try to get in touch with Usain "Lightning" Bolt - he might be able to help!

6. Bring people in limelight. Shine torch on their faces
This can be irritating & people might complain to your parents, so it should be done only under adult supervision

Tired of nightmares about not being able to cross the road

1. Push a friend on to the middle of the road. Traffic will screech to a halt. Cross over

2. Dress in a Zebra costume and just walk across. Everyone has to wait when there is a Zebra crossing

3. Get tall stilts and walk over the traffic. Make sure you point at the cars and smirk. Doesn't work with trucks

4. Take your shirt off and act like a gorilla. Everyone will think you are Salman Khan and stop for autographs. Cross over

5. Ask the chicken for advice. It has done this a lot

6. Find a giant pogo stick. Use it. Watch out for flying superheroes

7. Go to mountains in Japan and meet Kung-Fu masters. They teach you to jump long distances. We've seen it in films

8. Go to mountains in Tibet and meet Buddhist monks. They will teach you to wait patiently for the signal

9. Wear a T-Shirt that says, "I am gay". People will slow their vehicles down to peer at you. Cross over. If it doesn't work, try the "You are gay" shirt

10. Drink that energy drink which gives you wings!

Things You Should Know About Indo-Us Nuclear Deal

Only 5 and a half people know exactly what the nuclear deal is all about. You are not one of them

The nuclear deal does NOT allow you to throw nuke-bombs at random countries you don't like.

Sunny Deol, please note:
The nuclear deal does NOT mean you have a new firecracker to play with this Diwali

A nuclear explosion is NOT what happened to Amitabh in the The Last Lear

The nuclear deal is not why Salman is going mad in Hello

The nuclear deal does not mean you have a new way to get rid of your boss/teacher/professor

The nuclear deal does not mean other countries are afraid of India. Except Bangladesh

Q.China was against India getting the Nuclear deal. What did Indian diplomats do to convince them?
A.They gave the Chinese the angry Bobby Deol expression

Things We Learnt From Fashion

The promo says 'To be in the fashion world you have to give up more than your morals'
Thankfully, to watch Fashion you don't have to give up your morals ......just your standards

Q. Why did the shooting schedules of Fashion get completely messed up?
A. 'Cuz everyone kept coming 'fashion'ably late

If there is a loophole in the film, will Bhandarkar call it a 'cinematic malfunction'?
And you thought we had run out of wardrobe malfunction jokes!

Vidya Balan has already booked tickets for Fashion

A line in the film goes 'Do you want to be a model?' 'No....a supermodel'
Priyanka and Kangana had a fight over who gets to say this line....since neither of them wanted it

RGV should take up ramp walking....or anything else that will keep him away from making films.

What does Kangana Ranaut in Fashion remind you most of?
A) An ill-advised lab experiment B) The Joker's sidekick C) A dodgy-looking cocktail D) Vidya Balan having a bad day

Do Comment

How To Annoy Your Teachers

1. Stamp loudly. Claim you spotted a cockroach. Keep doing it again. Claim the cockroach came back

2. Start doing breathing exercises in the middle of the lecture

3. Maintain an expression like someone has farted. Keep glancing suspiciously at your Prof when he is looking.

4. Tell the professor you love his lecture and ask him to extend into the break. Every day
This will also make you unpopular with your classmates.

5. Look fidgety, scared, nervous. Suddenly move under your desk and say, "They are coming! They are coming for me!"

6. At appropriate times, raise your hand and say, "But sir, a research done in 1992 disagreed with what you just said"

7. Stare continously, wide-eyed into the Professor's eyes. Make Irrfan Khan eyes at them

8. In the middle of the lecture, get up and give the Prof a little speech on why he should copywrite his lectures

9. At a random point in the lec, get up and say, "You think I can't score 90%, don't you? I'll Bet that I can score 90%"

10. Start opening your mouth as if you are about to ask something, then shut it. Change your mind and say nothing. Repeat

11. Keep acting like you are about to sneeze, but don't

12. When your Prof says stuff like, "OK, turn to the next page", ask him to please repeat so you can write it down

13. Keep the National Anthem as your ringtone. Play it in the middle of the lecture and stand up

What We Learnt From Dostana

Don't make too many Karan Johar jokes. His way to fight back is to make a movie on it

Don't wear yellow chaddis. Even if you have a body like John Abraham's
The above sentence would be wrong as per GMAT rules. Just mentioning

Abhishek looks more believable playing gay than playing a superhero

Things don't have to be pink just because the characters are homosexual

Miami with its beaches and babes is a wrong place to be gay in

Political parties don't care as much about gay men as much as they do about lesbians

You don't have to be size zero to look hot in a swimsuit. In fact, you have to NOT be size zero to look hot in a swimsuit.

Those painful SRK-Saif-Kanta ben jokes can finally end. Or can they?

How To Spend Ur Holidays

Work on your channel surfing speed... go from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds

Don't move at all, get other people to do stuff for you. See how long you can make it before someone yells

Practice the angry Bobby Deol expression, to be used when cab/rickshaw guys refuse to give change

Organize all the porn on your computer into neatly classified folders, arranged alphabetically

Clear out your book-shelves. Find old stuff and get nostalgic.

Think of ways to improve your Facebook/Orkut profile. It needs all the help it can get.

Do a detailed study of Aftab Shivdasani's history, early struggle and eventual rise to nothingness

Practice the new Salman Khan in 'Hello' dance... to be used to scare off robbers

The First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to New York when a pretty blonde in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The stewardess notices this, and politely informs the blonde that she must go back to the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she has bought.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here!”

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the blonde to move, the stewardess goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her economy seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and explains that she needs to move, but once again the blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beatiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”


The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the blonde and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The stewardess and co-pilot are really amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to New York.”

A Wife As Sex Object

Got you. I understand sex sells, that’s why the brilliant subject to get you to click. Anyway, do you know why did I say a wife is a sex object? Well, because everytime you ask for sex, she objects!

Hahaha… if you think that has made your day, wait till you laugh over the following brilliant jokes! Don’t worry, they are safe at work, but make sure you lower down your volume!



When I was born, I got a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Impotence is the nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - “don’t” and “stop”, unless they are used together.

Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Hahaha… please lower down your volume. You certainly do not want your boss to come over and laugh with you, do you?

Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Have you heard about Viagra computer virus? It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing.

Despite the old saying, “Don’t bring your troubles to bed”, many men still sleep with their wives!

Now, some questions and answers time.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

LOL. Hope you have had a good laugh!

Free Peanuts

A young man is in a tour bus with many seniors when he is tapped on his shoulder by an old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.



After about 10 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he can’t stand the curiosity anymore and asks the little old lady, “why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”.

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

The puzzled young man asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

Stock Humor

In this market state, there are hardly any smiles or laughter, most of the time, its just frowns and head shakes. Hard to say when everything will be more stabilized. Then again, laughter is essential, no matter how the stock market is. So get that frown off your face, take a break and laugh some more!

When only two syllables matters.



This is seriously funny:

New Stock Market Terms
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.



The Bull is Melting

Funny Husband & Wife

A man is quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he exclaims.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Jenny written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Jenny was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asks why she had hit again. Wife replies. “Your horse phoned”.

Wife Outsourcing

After just a few months into their marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young
man and his wife decided they would try counseling to save their marriage.

They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After spending 15 minutes listening to the wife, the counselor suddenly went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for a long 5 minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “Ok, I can bring her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

Hahahaha….

The Great Blonde Kidnap

A blonde was in urgent need of cash. In order to raise some money, she decided the only way was to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “I have kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $100,000 in a paper bag and put it under the tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $100,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”